Living in the Dark Brings Vanity into the Light

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Sometimes, life in the Congo has a way of revealing and striking at one’s vanities. Shaving my legs in semi-darkness with a bucket of water has produced less than ideal results. Applying make up in poor lighting, and then having half of it drip off with my perspiration makes me want to disregard make up altogether, except that I’m so vain. Showering and getting dressed; only to be drenched in sweat and stinking in two hours’ time does not make a person feel attractive. Because of power and water issues, I sometimes have to wear dirty clothing. And forget fingernails. It is impossible to keep them clean, no matter how short I trim them or how frequently I clean them. If I paint them to hide the dirt, the bug spray melts the polish. The humidity is not good for my hair either. So, I have learned that I esteemed too much of my value and self-worth from my appearance.
God showed me I had other places of hidden pride/vanity. I did not realize how deeply attached my sense of self-worth and value were to my role as a wife and mother. Here, preparing a meal can take hours longer than it used to, because everything is done from scratch. Often there is no power or water or both, making it more challenging to do cooking, laundry, cleaning, sewing, etc. When the power is off, and it is 95+ degrees and we can’t even run a fan or open the refrigerator, it is very challenging to get school done because the kids are so uncomfortable. There is no postal service and internet connections are often too slow for Skype, so keeping in touch with family and supporters is difficult. Some days I am forced to do nothing. I have succumbed to tears more than once, telling my husband I am ill equipped to be a missionary. I am doing what I used to do in the states, wife, mother, home educator; only I’m worse at it, so how can God possibly use me? His response has always been that he could not be here and do what he does without me, and that calling ill-equipped people is the way God works. If I had it all together, I would be too proud and unteachable for God to use me. But if God uses me to minister to my family, my friends, and the people here in Congo, then He will get the glory! God used my husband to gently remind me of a couple of things. My usefulness to God has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him. My role as a helpmeet for my husband has very little to do with how well I cook and clean and a whole lot to do with respecting and encouraging David. My role as a mother is not diminished by how much I get done for my kids as much as it is enhanced by how much I do with my kids. Admitting my vanities and learning to let them go (still working on it, by the way) has been unsettling. I always knew in my head that my value to God and to David do not come from the things I accomplish, but perhaps my heart still harbored some doubts. Nor does my value diminish in their eyes when I don’t get all the things checked off my “to-do list” each day. I am so thankful for the Godly man I married!